All-star Government

I can’t help but notice that in my lifetime, politicians have been known to be ruffians and scallywags.

This isn’t exactly good for PR (public relations to the working man). I personally struggle to trust liars to even give me the right change at Tesco, let alone to run my country. The solution’s simple, right? Purge our government of such people and get back to the good old days of honest politics. The crippling factor here is that that’s clearly a crock of rubbish, there never was such a time. A good number of people in our House of Lords have managed to buy their way in rather than earn it, and it’s only natural for politicians to abuse their power. I’m not advocating it, it’s just like ‘spotting’ weapons of mass destruction in countries that are brimming with oil-it will happen. And I’m not here to make a political point as such, just rather with an idea for politicians to use.

Tony Blair managed to side with George Bush, one of the most hated presidents in the last hundred years, on a number of issues and made a great number of mistakes, but doesn’t have anything like as bad a reputation that his replacement Gordon Brown had, who managed to make significant progress to buying us time to staving off a recession. The Europeans even wanted Blair to be president of the European Union! They eat up anything he has to say. Why? Why, a trusty doctor of course. Not the sort that’s keeping Vanessa Feltz alive, or the even more annoying kind that’s had half of the Osbourne family inheritance just to keep Sharon’s so full of plastic that it’s unmovable, and her boobs… well, you could probably break your knuckles on those. A good old spin doctor, Mr Alistair Campbell. The dark hand that loomed over Tony’s shoulder was more officially known as ‘Director of Communications and Strategy’, while he was more publicly known as a sh*t-stirrer. The point is, it doesn’t matter how slimy you are, so long as you know how you should come across to the public, you’ll be in.

So here’s my proposal. Much how most guys my age make a fantasy football team, I want to make my own fantasy political party, based on keeping the wool over the public’s eyes while we empty the Bank of England into our pockets. It’s a balance of efficiency, personal amusement, while being entirely celebrities so that the public can ‘identify’ with them. As leader of the cabinet, I’d endeavour to always be in costume like the time I dressed as Top Cat. The idea behind this is that it’d cheer the country up, subconsciously linking me to good times, and of course in terms of foreign affairs, nobody would try to stop Top Cat. He has a purple fedora and a cane, for God sake. As Deputy Prime Minister, I would employ Fidel Castro, on the logic that nobody would get rid of me if he’s the alternative. As Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs, I would have Prince Charles, because somebody as clinically racist as him would only want to strike a deal if it really worked in my favour, and it’d amuse me to get as many foreign leaders back-handed by the Duke of Edinburgh as possible (only for my amusement, mind). Chancellor of the Exchequer would go to Deborah Meaden, well known as the one who never invests from Dragons’ Den on the logic that if anyone can make the most essential cuts and still be millions of pounds in the black, it’ll be her. From here, it’ll look like this

Defence Secretary: Mr T.
Work and Pensions secretary: Michael Caine
Health Secretary: Brian Blessed
Education Secretary: Stephen Hawking
Transport Secretary: Jeremy Clarkson
Attorney General: Alan Rickman
Leader of the House of Commons: Danny Dyer
Minister for Cabinet Office: Reginald D. Hunter

Now, my options here may seem… interesting, but having established the paramount crucial jobs in a quasi-official way, I am giving these jobs to people who, in some way or another, are difficult to dispute. On top of all having either humorous or epic voices which are difficult to question, or intimidating ones that you wouldn’t dare question, some of them have other things that could help. Stephen Hawking, as a highly reputable physicist, Mr T and Danny Dyer as people who could snap your neck like a twiglet, Blessed and Clarkson could shout you into submission, Reginald D. Hunter can easily get someone into the public eye as a filthy racist, and finally, Alan Rickman and Michael Caine could seduce and sedate you with their voices.

No I haven’t particularly thought this through (surely anything that puts Mr T and Brian Blessed in power can’t be), but the fact that you secretly want my all-star government is proof that the system works. It’s all about how you come across, not what you do, and I personally think Britain wants to be on any side that has Danny Dyer hosting an argument between Deborah Meaden, Fidel Castro and Jeremy Clarkson.

As a closing thought, as I see an advert for Gavin and Stacey DVDs, I’ve decided that James Corden is just Brian Blessed on helium. Check the laughs, you’ll see what I mean.

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